How do I want to live this year?
Capriciously, thank you very much.
To be honest, I never knew what the word “capricious” means, I had to look it up.
Turns out, it is the total opposite of how I lived my life till now, safe, law-abiding, thoughtful, cynical and systematic. The phrase “Live with abandon” doesn’t ring a bell with me. That is the way I want to live this year – with just one motto “Just Do It”. No more assuming the worst, fearing the “what-ifs” and throwing in the towel before it even started.
I also want to visit some of the places in my childhood, or never was in any part of my life. It’s time to see them before it’s too late. How funny it is that humans are endlessly obsessed with forging forward with the new things and forgetting the old ones which were once ‘new’ in our lives.
And lastly, to give frugality a shot. Not live like a poor church mouse, mind you. Frugality is not living like a broke person, but to stop frivolous spending and focus on quality. First step, decluttering. That is gonna take some gumption, bidding goodbye to my stuff. They are junk, sure, but they were once part of my life too. As part of the new year, I shall not begin this project with “It’s going to be tough.” Nothing worth fighting for is ever easy, isn’t it?
For the pepper and salt for my soul’s chicken soup, I’ll make sure to watch a movie once a month, read more, schedule my Me time.
#ME <– that’s my slogan for 2017
Off-handedly, I would call 2016 one big, fat failure. But that will make a very short post.
So for the sake of posterity, let’s be nit-picky.
When the start of 2016 came rolling by, I actually had a list of stuff I wanna do (‘achieve’ is too serious a word to use here). Here and now, I just chucked the list out, and I ask myself, “What’s the point of having a list that I want to but won’t do?”
Strictly speaking, that list isn’t one of resolutions, more like what I want to do for the next 365 days to distract me from Hell. But you see, I never was a step away from Hell, no matter how hard I tried to distract myself from it. Mentally I tell myself I am not in it, truth is, I am waist-deep in it.
Let’s just say, politics is my personal Achilles’ hell, I mean, heel.
But it would be unfair to say I do not have an iota of achievement, although I am tempted to declare that staying alive and sane is my biggest achievement in 2016. I did managed to do something that was completely unplanned for (No, it’s not getting preggy).
2016 has been such a big challenge for me and my family. Even Pote, my pup wasn’t spared. Life is all about challenges, but sometimes I wonder if the ones me and my family had to face were just too much.
Also, in the course of 2016, I managed to run my health to the ground, got severely kicked by office politics and start to learn more about living for me and living frugally. Coincidentally, all that I’ve learnt will be put into good use come 2017, trust me.
So come 2017, you will notice that my lists would have shrunk, a couple into one-liners. Has life gotten simpler for me then? Yes, and No. We’ll see, as the next 365 days whoosh by.
In my mind, completing New Year’s resolutions is so difficult! But judging from how the Babylonians first came up with this concept, it’s not about achieving something HUGE. Any size of change that contributes good to the individual is a New Year’s resolution done well.
That means….I actually did complete some, if not all, of my New Year’s Resolutions. Wow, that’s good to know! Who wants to feel like a failure, over and over again, year after year? A good tip for setting New Year’s resolutions is probably don’t overwhelm yourself with too much and don’t choose big ticket items if you know you are not easily motivated. Know yourself, pace yourself and don’t be too hard on yourself when you slack off from time to time. In this case, what matters is the destination, not the journey.
All she said to me was … “Go see a doctor, get a anti-depressant prescription…there are so many people out there who feels like you do….you do not have to punch your way through.”
My soul heard it as “It’s not your fault. Being treated lousy isn’t your fault. Feeling lousy isn’t your fault. There is tools out there to help you fight better.”
Not my fault? Really? I’m sorry if I sounded as if I was doubting her. But I have beaten myself up so much that I can’t really tell what’s what any more. You see, I was brought up believing that when someone is mean to you, it’s probably your fault at some level. So I never stopped believing that everything that happened is my fault, somehow.
There’s one more thing she said … “They aren’t gonna change so you have to.” This, I heard loud and clear, and it’s another staple I was again brought up on. Never attempt to change others, but rather, change yourself to match up. Except this time, she meant, change myself to get away. She had enough of me sinking in quicksand, she wants me out of the pit and into the sunshine. I do too, really. I just did not know how.
Baby steps, she warned. “Firstly, focus on what is available to help you out of this rut. Don’t worry about the next step.”
“I have so much to look forward to, but I am still sad and lost.” I told her. “Of course you are, dear. You are sinking, you need a buoy.” Right. “Once you could find it in you to be happier and hopeful then you can stand up and enjoy everything there is for you.”
That’s the day I got myself a wise bunny. I felt the skies had open ever so slightly for me. Although it is still pouring on my parade, the bunny in my arms let me see tiny silvers of sun amongst the dark clouds over my head.
Maybe one day….I can be as well as I can be.
Recently, I came across this phrase “You have 1440 minutes in a day, why can’t you spare 20 of that to exercise?” I like that a lot, I like it so much so that it prompted me to check just how many free minutes I have in a day since I never seems to have enough to spare.
My golly, I easily have 320 minutes (or literally 5 and 1/2 hours) daily to spare. What was I doing with those missing 320 minutes that I never had any left to do what I NEED to do?
After a firm talk with myself (only you will be frank with yourself, right? No? Then it’s time to speak to the shrink about why you have to lie even to yourself.) Me, Myself, and I established that one of us is just too plain lazy, the other is plain time insensitive and the last one, dragging her heels because why not, the other two are being irresponsible anyways.
Well, then, if I can track a budget responsibly, I can do similar for time. It means being totally cynical and scheduling every activity down. I rather like a full looking scheduler, don’t you? Yes, it’s the writing that’s a pain, literally. But hey, no pain, no gain!
Remember, I am not teaching you how to save time here. It’s all about finding those lost minutes and making good of them.
Check back later in 2017, I’ll schedule a post to tell you how well I’m doing.
132 days till the end of 2016
And while we are counting….
…..3168 hours…..190,080 minutes…11,404,800 seconds.
It is gonna be another year wasted unless some serious buckling up is done.