I wish …

Have you ever heard yourself say “I wish I can do that.”?

Strange question, I know. You may have heard yourself said that a thousand times before. But, I never. Not once.

You must be wondering why is it so fascinating to me though.

A few days ago I happen to overhear a child said to her parent, “I wish I can do that.” with so much wistfulness in voice. It struck a chord deep within me. Adulthood robs us of the ability to yearn. That simple joy of wanting something and the hope that one day we’ll get it. Cynism tells us what we can or cannot achieve so as adults we tend to kill our dreams instead of attempting to nurture them.

I couldn’t get that little child’s voice out of my head. So much hopeful yearning, I want to live life with so much hope again. I sat down with a pen and paper last night to make a list of yearnings I might have at this point in life. There must be many, I figured. I want to see how many fantasies I might need to cancel out. But maturity wins, my wishes are now manageable, some easier than others, but all pretty much achievable.

No longer a child, as an adult, I know how to get what I want and need. And how do I know what I want? Hopeful yearning provides the blueprints of these wants and needs. It is important to “keep the dream alive” no matter how old you become. If the basic yearning to see a new day is no longer appealing, how are you going to make yourself climb out of bed tomorrow?






Losing Weight & Getting Fit @ 45

  1. Identify what helps and sabotage your efforts: After almost a lifetime, you must have established what works and what doesn’t for your body. Think back a year, when your weight was steady or declining and when it was inching upwards. Make a list of what helped and what did not.
  2. Eat to live; not live to eat: Now is the time to set the goal to stay feeling full without eating like you are still in your 20s. Eat more frequently bit consume less at each sitting. 5-6 small meals a day with no more than 3-4 hours in between each meal. Eg. light healthy breakfast, non-fat yogurt in the late morning, light lunch + a brisk walk, afternoon snack of nuts and an apple to avoid a heavy dinner. The goal is to trick your body into thinking its well-fed and satiated at all times.
  3. Time your eating: Eat like a king at breakfast, a prince at lunch and a pauper at dinner. Skip supper. That will give your body sufficient time for optimal burning off those fats and calories.
  4. Muscle up: More muscle mass = more effective metabolism to burn calories.
  5. Get more quality rest.
  6. Develop a healthy relationship with your cravings: Don’t deny them. Rather be mindful of portion size, eat slowly and savor. If you must, eat real and wholesome, never artificial.
  7. Make slow, realistic lifestyle changes to ensure long-term sustainability.

So what about 2018?

Honestly, I don’t really quite  know.

This may be the one year I do not look forward to starting, hoping frantically that it starts, yet not a clue what or how I want to start it.

Yes,  usually I have a plan, which will fizzle out before February. But at least I have a plan! Well, to be fair, I do have some ideas currently running about in my head. But then I remember the saying, “Don’t set yourself up to fail.” And I stopped short.

So many years, I set myself up for ultimate failure and yet come January, 1st I cheerfully make new plans to fail shortly. I can argue that I do so to have something to celebrate about.

2018 will not be any different. I have my list all done up.

Firstly, recent self-realizations will make a great impact on the way I set new goals.

Secondly, these resolutions will be broken down into daily activities that will eventually lead to completion of the set goals.

Thirdly, some strong commitment will be called for to track the progress and results.

I actually feel positive about this year’s resolutions. Let’s get started and see how it will panned out, shall we?


2017 is a bust

A few blog posts, and not very good or proper ones.

Wanting to ”Just do it” but not doing it at all.

But I won’t call this year a total bust.

2017 – the year of rude awakening. There, a more apt title.

A month from the end of 2017, I had the pleasure of being told to leave because if I can’t be a good receptionist then there is no longer a job here for me. Mocking, isn’t it? Considering that I wasn’t hired to be a receptionist to begin with. And even more ironical, after single-handedly straightening the whole company out administratively, setting up processes and setting things straight, there isn’t a job for me now. I became a victim of my own efficiency.

I won’t lie, I was bitter as hell. Everyday was a whirlwind of negative emotions. And amidst that I also knew I need to focus on securing a new job soon.

But still deeper in the midst of all this crap, I finally caved and agreed to take a unbiased look at myself, no matter how much I may detest it. Each day became a learning experience for me as I discover more and more about who I really am.

I am not who I said I was, and that’s why people mocked me in my face no matter how hard I tried. I am solely responsible for creating my own hell.

Since we are on the topic of learning, all that knowledge mustn’t be wasted. 2018 will a year of lifestyle changes and personal growth. Someone once told me that learning is easier with age because of what age brings – maturity and life’s experiences.

Now that’s some pretty good news.

Good-bye 2017. I won’t say I will miss you one tiny bit. Yet, humans are made to move only in one direction only – forward. And that’s where I am heading right now.

Lessons I’ve learnt in 2017

  1. Regardless of whether you want to do something or not now, time is still going to inch forward. You will find, time has gone on for a day, a week, a month, a year and whether you accomplished something or not really hinged on your decision back then to do it or not. “Just do it”. You have nothing to lose after you made the journey or not. So why not?
  2. Muscles weigh much more than fat. If your body is feeling so much better with exercising but the scales are sneering at you by going up, up, up, you will realize numbers don’t mean a chit. My take: Weight loss is a joke, a fantasy. Lifestyle changes should be the key reason why you started exercising, while weight loss is a side benefit of exercising.
  3. Nothing is ever an excuse for rudeness. If someone is rude to you, speak up or walk away. Never grin and bear. Your willingness to put up with it will not be appreciated, it will be a sure invitation to do it to you again.
  4. You cannot possible make a bad decision intentionally to hurt yourself so stop beating yourself up, live without regrets.

Workaholism: Are you a sufferer?

In broad sense, being a workaholic means you put in way too much hours at work. That’s why many could refer jokingly to themselves as workaholics.

Unfortunately, workaholism isn’t a joking matter. It is a form of addiction (read: obsession) which doesn’t have proper drugs or treatments to treat it. So yeah, a work addict is pretty much on their own.

So is workaholism really just about not being able to quit when it’s time to leave the office? Maybe it is more like neglecting the state of your health, family, life in return for placing all your attention on work. It’s difficult to identify a workaholic from a slow worker whom just can’t finish his pile of work on time.

Some signs of a workaholic: (better identified by family and friends)

  • Hurrying; always staying busy.
  • The need to control.
  • Perfectionism.
  • Difficulty with relationships.
  • Work binges.
  • Difficulty relaxing and having fun.
  • Memory loss due to exhaustion.
  • Mental preoccupation with work.
  • Impatience and irritability.
  • Feelings of self-inadequacy.
  • Self-neglect.

Then what are the effects of workaholism?

  • Burnout and dissatisfaction with work.
  • Increased rates of absenteeism from work.
  • Depressive symptoms.
  • Increased anxiety.
  • Angry outbursts.
  • Stress-associated physical health issues, including fatigue and anxiety.
  • Chest pains and shortness of breath.
  • Family problems due to the conflicting demands of family life and work.
  • Higher levels of marital conflict.
  • Increased risk of substance abuse.
  • Elevated feelings of stress.

How do I realized that I am suffering from workaholism? I have all of the signs and suffering most of the effects after 6 long years working under an abusive superior in a abusive environment.

I am pretty sure I started out desperate to please because I needed the money to survive. And when my working relationship with my superior grew quickly abusive, I talked myself out of leaving because I blamed myself for not living up to her standards (whatever they may be because she never explains what she was so angry about).



To “make up for my inadequacies”, I became obsessed with every tiny detail of my tasks, anticipating the next yelling session around the corner. My job consumed me, I dread Mondays, then I began to dread Sunday afternoons too, then I dread Saturday evenings too, and finally I dread Fridays as well. My whole week is just one big dread cycle. I no longer have my life to live, alternating between obsess and dread. Even on sick days I was working the phones settling stuff.

On 20/20 hindsight, that was one very harsh way to live. I can’t believe I lived through more than 6 years of it. So many hearts ached for me when they saw me lived that existence. They asked me repeatedly, “Why do I want to live like this?”

I have no answer, it wasn’t by choice internationally. I just wanted to be approved by a superior who doesn’t deserved to be in that seat. I was stupid enough to want approval from someone so undeserving.

What did I get in return?


Ms. Abusive squashed me like a fly and threw me out of the window. I enriched her working life while she was in this office, and when she left for another office, she made sure I lose my job.

That’s what I got in return.

Still think workaholism is a joke now?